Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Ketamine Infusion #4

I had a few days where I felt clearer, more with it and actually part of life. It felt good. I wasn't "cured" as my mood was not greatly improved but it was certainly a difference. By Saturday late in the day, however, I started to feel more out of it and the past couple of days, while I have felt more in touch with my surroundings, I have felt more sad and irritable. I went in early this morning for my treatment and reported all of my updates. I was not necessarily looking forward to today's infusion but the prospect of feeling some relief was my motivation.

Again, as the heaviness hit me, the tears flowed. I became frightened as I felt so alone. While the ketamine enters my brain, it forces me more into the bubble I already feel stuck in. I see everyone around me, hear voices and sounds and can make sense of them, but I feel cut off and as if they cannot see me. I asked the nurse for tissues and she asked if I was ok. I responded asking her, "am I okay?" She touched my arm and said, "you are okay. I am here with you." While that made me cry more, it was the most comforting thing to hear in that moment.

I then started thinking of my beautiful daughter and was focused on her face. I missed her. I also thought of my husband and how much I wished he were sitting with me holding my hand, reassuring me. I thought of the conversation I had last night with my therapist who told me that she and my other doctors are there for me, in it with me. I cried more. I focused on the fact that I would see her tomorrow. I reverted back to thinking of seeing my husband once my treatment was over. I cried more.

The infusion ended and I was relieved. I drank water and ate some graham crackers and watched my blood pressure decrease (the ketamine increases it). I was a bit wobbly as I walked to the waiting area to my husband but was so glad to see him.

I go back for infusion #5 on Thursday and then we will meet with the doctor to discuss long term plans. This will involve medication changes as there are actually some meds I have not yet tried! For now, it is one day at a time.

5 comments:

  1. You amaze me with your strength. Forgive me, but I'm going to bring a topic up again. I wish someone had done this for me. I took literally 15 psychiatrists, maybe more, until I heard about the med combo. that helped me.

    I urge you to thikn again about trying the MAOI and ***get a second opinion***!!!!

    I take the generic form of Parnate (generic tranylcypromine/30 mg of it a day, 10 mg mornng, noon, & night) and I take 900 mg/day of lithium with it, which was found in the 1970's to be especially helpful for treatment resistant depression & treatment-resistant. bipolar depression. I CAN and do eat chocolate, I DO drink coffee ( to be honest I eat lots of both!) with ****no**** problem. With all due respect the doctor you spoke with was incorrect about ot being able to eat those important foods! ;)

    I eat a couple non-aged cheeses, fresh mozzarella is one - yes, I miss the other aged cheeses I love and the soy products, but the absence of the depression is absolutely worth it.

    I just came across this article by a respected science writer who contributes to big publications literally a few days ago that I URGE you to review if you can or have your husband read it....please, Risa.

    This comment is written with care and love although yes, I admit 'm a nag!
    It's worth a try......
    Xo, Dyane

    https://www.elsevier.com/connect/mao-inhibitors-the-forgotten-antidepressant-that-saved-my-life

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  2. https://www.elsevier.com/connect/mao-inhibitors-the-forgotten-antidepressant-that-saved-my-life

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  3. I will take a look. I think we will be discussing MAOIs tomorrow, as an option. Thx so much for your info and care!

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  4. You're so welcome! Sorry to be a pain in the ass.
    Thinking of you!!!!

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