I had a few days where I felt clearer, more with it and actually part of life. It felt good. I wasn't "cured" as my mood was not greatly improved but it was certainly a difference. By Saturday late in the day, however, I started to feel more out of it and the past couple of days, while I have felt more in touch with my surroundings, I have felt more sad and irritable. I went in early this morning for my treatment and reported all of my updates. I was not necessarily looking forward to today's infusion but the prospect of feeling some relief was my motivation.
Again, as the heaviness hit me, the tears flowed. I became frightened as I felt so alone. While the ketamine enters my brain, it forces me more into the bubble I already feel stuck in. I see everyone around me, hear voices and sounds and can make sense of them, but I feel cut off and as if they cannot see me. I asked the nurse for tissues and she asked if I was ok. I responded asking her, "am I okay?" She touched my arm and said, "you are okay. I am here with you." While that made me cry more, it was the most comforting thing to hear in that moment.
I then started thinking of my beautiful daughter and was focused on her face. I missed her. I also thought of my husband and how much I wished he were sitting with me holding my hand, reassuring me. I thought of the conversation I had last night with my therapist who told me that she and my other doctors are there for me, in it with me. I cried more. I focused on the fact that I would see her tomorrow. I reverted back to thinking of seeing my husband once my treatment was over. I cried more.
The infusion ended and I was relieved. I drank water and ate some graham crackers and watched my blood pressure decrease (the ketamine increases it). I was a bit wobbly as I walked to the waiting area to my husband but was so glad to see him.
I go back for infusion #5 on Thursday and then we will meet with the doctor to discuss long term plans. This will involve medication changes as there are actually some meds I have not yet tried! For now, it is one day at a time.