Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Hunkering Down due to Anxiety

I have experienced dizziness and nausea since May and after numerous tests it was decided my medications needed adjustment. Whenever I have adjusted my medications it always consisted of a trial and error sort of experiment and now is no different. While in the process of these changes, my dizziness and nausea has certainly decreased, however, they are still there.

Good news, right? Partially.

I have been using every ounce of physical and emotional energy to lie low. I have not been in touch with my friends very much over the past few weeks and although I do go out, at this point I’d prefer to stay at home and not do anything. Of course, that cannot occur. There are other people involved, such as my husband and our 6 year old daughter. Instead I try to put on a smile and remain as playful as I can. It is so damn exhausting though.

I have been feeling anxiety, irritability and anger and I simply cannot imagine how so much emotion could live inside of me. I have only been mindful of my emotions for a couple of years, so I am still new at this emotion comprehension thing.

I am angry because I have not felt well, physically, which is causing my severe anxiety. OK, that makes sense but it seems so minimizing in relation to what my daily or even hourly experience actually is. I guess you could say I do feel misunderstood which coincides nicely with my Borderline Personality Disorder. That is an easy way of responding but I have to ask, does everyone feel mentally challenged when not feeling well, physically? My therapist is trying to convince me of that and while I logically and intellectually understand this, it feels so dismissive. Borderline or not, I feel a bit alone.

I don’t feel alone every day all day, mind you. I am not living hour to hour in a constant state of anxiety. It comes in bits and pieces, a few hours here, a couple of hours there. I pushed myself to go to work last night even though I only wanted to put my pajamas back on and snuggle with my daughter and husband. I am too responsible to call in sick when I am not sick and the guilt I would feel would only make my mental state worse. I worked and I was glad I did. I had human interaction which I desperately need right now.

I guess I am capable of making some good choices within my anxious brain.

I am afraid of making bad choices and feel on some sort of behavior alert right now as a result. I am irritable and agitated which can lead anyone to say things that are mean and inappropriate. This is so challenging for me and usually my husband is the target which pains me.

My therapist says I am terrified of becoming ill again and she is damn right. I cannot even imagine going through half of what I have been through in the past 2 years due to severe depression. Problem is I am now my own worst enemy as this intense fear only adds to my anxiety. My brain feels as if it is functioning on overdrive and I cannot shut it off.


I am hanging on and praying I can make good and healthy choices that will not upset me or anyone else. This is so hard and yet I just keep on going.

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