It's been building for weeks and yet I did not completely recognize it. I was so incredibly focused on my daughter's anxiety about beginning kindergarten that I was not fully aware of my own. Change is hard, no matter your age. She is excited and nervous, curious and tentative. For the past two days, I have required my trusty prn of Ativan which I have (gladly) not needed in a while. The anxiety would come over me and I was not always aware that that's what the feelings were. I waited, thinking that I couldn't be that anxious about her starting kindergarten in a new school. That seems silly! But, alas, I gave myself permission to feel whatever comes to me, to welcome it and manage it the best way I can. I needed those prns but I do not feel guilty about it. I will not waste my time punishing myself for having feelings. That was my modus operandi before, I certainly cannot go back to that.
So, I am nervous for her to walk into her new classroom, nervous for whatever tomorrow may bring. I am also sharply aware of how lucky I am to be here for this moment; to be here with her; to share it and be a part of it. Depression may have taken me down, but it did not take me out. I am so glad to be here, to be alive and present for this moment and all of life's moments that are part of everyday's existence.
Just as I sat sobbing during her end of preschool celebration, so thankful to witness such a milestone in my girl's life, to simply be alive to witness it, I am equally as thankful to God to be here today; to accept my anxiety and excitement and to support my girl on this evening before beginning her new chapter in life.