Thursday, June 4, 2015

So, This is 41

So, this is 41.

A year ago I was quite eager to turn 40. I know, that seems strange. I thought, though, that turning 40 would help me feel better and alleviate my symptoms. I was grasping for anything positive at that time.

I will be honest. The past year sucked. 40 was awful. 40 was horrible. 40 was painful. 40 was sad. I would be lying if I said the entire year was a nightmare, for the past few months have been filled with those silver linings, they just happened to occur at the same time as my pain.

A year ago, I honestly did not know I would make it to 41. There was no light at the end of the tunnel of hell I was trudging through. I couldn't even fathom a future over 40 as it was so painful and difficult.

I am forever thankful to my family and friends who stood by me, helped me, chauffeured me to appointments and did so with no judgment and with humor. There's nothing like a girls road trip to go to ECT! I am thankful for the care I received, in every possible way, at Yale. I believe I was meant to be treated there. The pieces fit together so nicely, from the hospitalizations to ECT, to the MBSR (mindfulness based stress reduction) group. I am proud that the medical director (who was my doc while in the hospital and through ECT) has all of his medical residents read my article about ECT. And yes, I'd like to be called a Visiting Professor at Yale!!

These days, I am beyond thankful to my therapist. Words cannot do justice to my feelings about my work with her but I will say that I would not be who I am today, this person who I am just learning about, without her hard work with me. I simply feel lucky.

So, this is 41. I am 41 years old today and I can move on in my life in a healthy, healing and peaceful way. I think I'm going to like 41.

May God heal me, body and soul.
May my pain cease,
May my strength increase,
May my fears be released,
May blessings, love and joy surround me. Amen.
-R. Naomi Levy

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