Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Foiled Again

Damn this depression! Just when I was finding my "feeling well" groove, I get struck down. I had my monthly ECT this past Friday and since then I have felt disconnected, out of it, flat and a little sad. After talking with my outpatient psychiatrist, she contacted my ECT doc who actually informed her that this can happen once one begins the monthly maintenance treatments. He explained that they bring the patient back in for a treatment to get her back on track and then try again with the monthly schedule. So, that makes me feel a bit better. I will not allow this to bring me down. I am strong. I've also been through worse.

So, I will go off to ECT tomorrow and plan to feel better after. The trajectory for recovering from depression is most definitely NOT a straight line. I am a testament to that. Just glad I have the fight still in me!
As Nana used to say, these are all things in life. I will surely get through this bump in the road.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

The Truth

Wednesdays are difficult for me. I stay over the night before in MA and then head off bright and early to see my psychiatrist for a double session. After that, I hit the road and head back to CT to go to work. I work until 5 PM and then have to pick up my daughter and endure the evening ordeal that all parents deal with each evening: the dinner debacle. I go through my day emotionally exhausted and in somewhat of a fog. I go over the session in my head and try to come to some understanding of what was discussed. What happens in the hour and a half can be described as difficult, hard, hurtful, sad, happy, pleasing, painful, settling...you get the picture. It is truly an array of feelings. It is the most difficult hour and a half of my week and I would not change that for anything. The work that is done there is helping me in ways I can't even describe.

The truth is...I still feel depressed sometimes. I didn't just have ECT and wake up all better. That's not how it works. The combination of the ECT, medication and therapy have pulled me out, but it is a process. During the past week all I have thought is how happy I am to go for my monthly maintenance ECT this Friday. I feel like I need it. This past week I have felt a bit off...a bit flat. The feeling is familiar and is one I am not happy about. Although my psychiatrist is increasing one of my medications, I am hopeful that I will feel a bit better after Friday's treatment.

I had such a tremendous change in mood shortly after my hospitalization and since then that has remained steady. This past week serves as a reminder that recovering from depression is truly a process that takes time. It does not simply go away; it is a process and I am still in it, working harder than I have ever worked on anything in my entire life.