I have historically enjoyed this time of year. I love the fall and celebrating the Jewish New Year holds great meaning for me. When I think of what I want for myself in this new year, all I can think of is health. Health for my family and friends and for me. I am not sure I can describe what I have been through in the past year but words that come to mind are: hell, pain, misery. While I would like to just feel competent and happy-ish, I have to settle for simply "better." My mental health is much better than it was a few months ago and I am thankful for that and for the people who helped me get to this point. I am still fighting and continue to work on the medications. I will continue to have "maintenance" ECT once a month into the winter. I will also continue my hard work in therapy which brings me places I never imagined (both good and bad, but mostly good). I may feel different, better, a little more at peace, but I will not have unrealistic expectations of making a grandiose and instant recovery. That will not happen. My recovery will continue on its upward trajectory with this new year or without it. Time is time and nothing can change that.
I do wish happiness and health for my family and my friends. I am so thankful for having them and they have supported me in more ways than I can list: a simple phone call, a text/email, a visit, driving me to ECT, etc. There is so much to be thankful for and many people to thank. You know who you are and my ongoing recovery would not be possible without you. It takes special people to drive you to ECT, for example, and continuously make you laugh and put you at ease. This week I am thinking of all of you and wish you all peace, health and happiness. Not only do I consider myself lucky to have you all in my life but I feel as if I won the lottery!
I will continue on my journey and am honored to have special people accompanying me along the way. My husband and daughter are my anchors and I am so thankful for them. They are what ground me when I feel overwhelmed and what calms me at the end of the day.
Shanah Tovah. A Happy and Sweet New Year.
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Friday, September 12, 2014
When I make a mistake, I apologize. When my husband makes a mistake, he apologizes. We are teaching our four-year-old daughter to take responsibility, always. Historically, when I have needed help with something, I was slow to ask and often ended up feeling frustrated and blaming the other for not reading my mind. This is not a character trait I would like to pass along to my daughter so I am changing things for myself. I am practicing this now as a new phenomenon. I share with others, appropriately, and let my needs be known. This is still very new for me but there is so much as stake, not just for me, personally, but for my daughter. I don’t want her to experience the disappointment and interpersonal struggle that I have in my life due to being overly independent.
When my daughter throws a tantrum because she cannot zip her sweatshirt or can’t buckle herself in her car seat, I sometimes have trouble being patient with her. This is partially due to the fact that we share this “perfectionist” trait. I get it. Through my frustration, I tell her that it is okay to ask for help. I do not want this to grow into something bigger for her for I know what the outcome will be and it is not very positive.
Asking for help can be a double edged sword: I am weak if I ask for help and I will suffer in silence by not asking for help. Accurate? Not exactly. I want my daughter to learn that, as humans, we are not perfect and do not employ super-human abilities. There will always be times when we need to ask for help and it is appropriate and okay. I told my daughter this morning if she needs help zippering her sweatshirt, she can certainly try herself, but she should feel free to ask one of her teacher’s. I let her know it is okay, that I don’t have unrealistic expectations of her. And even though I am seen on a pedestal in the eyes of my four-year-old daughter, I make sure that she sees and hears when I ask someone else for help. It is so important to model this for her right now. I feel like we are at such a pivotal moment in her life and it is pertinent for her to incorporate this into her being.
I hope that as she realizes how good it can feel to ask for help and how a relationship can grow as a result, she will carry that experience with her and will remember it as being positive. My wish for her is to trust others and let them in. Allow others the benefit of accompanying her in her journeys, whether it is asking someone for help with a drawing or asking for help reading a book. These can be profoundly positive experiences and I hope she does not make the same mistakes I made and can allow the “other” some space. She will be more well-rounded and solid as a result.
When I pick her up from school later today, I hope to hear from her teachers that she worked through any issues on her own and allowed others to help her as part of that process. I look forward to praising her efforts and behavior. We do not function in silos and we need to teach our children that being independent does not mean erasing the “other.” We can be independent and still allow the “other” to be a part of our experience, for in reality, by allowing the other to be with us, growth will be prompted that would never have been possible without it.