A typical day when you are clinically depressed is not the same for someone who is not depressed. Take my day yesterday. It was Sunday. I went to the grocery store bright and early, before the rush. I was happy to have a task to complete. It must have been sad, slow song 80s morning at my local Big Y as that was playing. As I went down aisle after aisle, I had tears in my eyes as the music was not agreeing with my mood. I completed my task though and got through it.
I next went with my husband and daughter to a birthday party. I was able to be social and smiley and yet at the same time, it felt like my body was stopped in time and the world was continuing on all around me. It is the worst feeling and I cannot do it justice in describing it. I was upset when I tried to take pictures with my phone and my hands were shaking too much (from meds) and they kept coming out blurry. I completed that task though of being the party-goer.
Next we took a family trip to Old Navy so I could use my money earned from already spending too much money. My husband wanted pajama pants, so we got that and a few other items. Task completed.
We came home and prepared for my daughter’s friend to come over for a play date. (normally, we are not this popular!). The girls played beautifully and I had good conversations with her friend’s mom. We hung out and time flew by. Task completed.
As we headed to dinner time, my husband looked at me and asked what we would have for dinner. I had nothing left in me at this point. You see, in order to put on a smile and interact with others, I utilize all of my emotional energy I have. It is a level of exhaustion I cannot begin to explain. I told him to order sushi and I did not have to feel the stress of making dinner. (My husband does not cook).
Evenings are both good and bad. When I get home from work or when I end a weekend day, it is time to decompress. I don’t have to “act” so much. My anxiety level decreases one minute but the next it increases as I stress about getting through the next day. Sundays’ are especially difficult (for most people) as I need to ready myself for returning to work. I make it through the evening with a check-in phone call with my psychiatrist. Task completed.
Now off to Monday...may G-d give me strength.