I should have been a mother of two at this point. After tons of fertility treatments using my four frozen embryos, nothing worked. Instead I have a gorgeous ring I wear with the birth stones of the four embryos I lost and a Major Depressive Episode.
This does not seem very fair. I wanted another baby badly. I wanted my daughter to be an amazing older sibling, to learn all those things we learn by being a sibling. That was not meant to be. It is a mourning that feels never-ending. This is very hard. For weeks it is on the back burner and then it all comes back. The anger, frustration and sadness.
I am very thankful to have my daughter, who simply amazes me every day. Sometimes I feel guilty for being so upset about not being able to have another as I am already so damn lucky. The depression does not help as those sad, guilty feelings are just exacerbated by the depression. What a rotten situation!
I am having a sad day today but trying to get through. I don't want to apologize for how I feel. I don't write to attract attention to me, personally, but to the concrete issues. Fertility treatments are painful and depression is a horrible illness. I just want these issues to be "out there" for people to read about and talk about.
Again, just having a sad day. I know I will get through it and tomorrow will be better.