Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Things I Have Learned in the Last Few Weeks

The last few weeks have been daunting. I will not sugar coat or lie. It was difficult to hear the words, "I'm so sorry but your embryo did not survive the thaw," but its aftermath is just as painful. I went through the stages of grief as follows:

1. Denial: I seriously thought I would get a call saying, "so sorry, we made a mistake, your embryo looks great and we are ready to go!"
2. Anger: I was angry at my body, angry at the world.
3. Bargaining: If I am a really good person then G-d will make it so that my "denial" wish would come true.
4. Depression: I was not clinically depressed, but I was sad, so so sad. I could have burst into tears at any moment (and sometimes did). I looked horrible and felt lost. I heard lots of different stories and some advice (some appropriate, some not) which did not always help my mood.
5. Acceptance: I think I am just getting to this stage now. I accept that the embryo transfers did not work but also wonder what could happen in the future. I was holding onto being 39 years old and thinking it is too late, but in today's world, it really is not. This does not mean I am focusing all of my energy on getting pregnant, as I was with all of the treatments. It does mean that anything is possible and I am beyond happy with my husband and daughter and can see us moving through life together. If that number increases, then that would be wonderful...if not, I fully and completely know how lucky I am and am at peace. In Hebrew the word shalom has three meanings: hello, goodbye and peace. I have been through each: I was eager and welcoming to each embryo transfer attempt, I had to say goodbye with each unsuccessful attempt and now I feel a strong sense of peace in my life.