Friday, October 18, 2013

The End of a Chapter

I made it to my parents house this morning in MA ready for this embryo transfer with all I have. A little while later I got a call...I thought it was the "the embryo thawed great and you are set for later today!" but it was not. It was "I'm so sorry but your embryo did not survive the thaw."

Silence.

I was speechless...I did not know what to say or do.

The nurse said my team would call me later today to discuss options. 

Then the tears came...I called my husband and his tears came. He said, "you are stuck with me and "I" (our daughter)!" I know how lucky I am but the pure sting is there.

I simply can't go through more fertility treatments: financially, emotionally and physically. I am 39 years old and would be worried about medical problems for the baby. We would have to start over with IVF and both my husband and I know we need to move on with our lives for our sake and for our daughter's. 

I felt a bit lost for a few minutes but then I rallied. My best friend to the rescue! She will hang with me for a bit this afternoon and cheer me up before I drive back home to CT. 

I am still in shock right now. I know with the coming weeks that getting off of all of the hormones will help my mind heal. I always wanted two kids...it was so important to have siblings. Now I need to create a new reality for my daughter. My job now is to give my daughter the best life possible.


19 comments:

  1. I don't know what to say. I don't think any words will help. I just want to hug you and lift you up. Praying for strength as you attempt to come to terms. Peace of mind as you begin to move forward. Im glad you have your best friend to stay by your side today. Sending you so much love and hope <3

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  2. Kasey, your words provide strength. Thank you for them.

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  3. :( My heart is broken for you... I'm so sorry. I wish there were something that I could do or say to help, but I know that there's nothing I can do or say to take that sting away :( Just know I'm thinking of you and I pray that somehow you end up with your family of four - I believe in miracles!

    P.S. I didn't know you live in CT and your parents are in MA (you were cycling up here?)! Where abouts in CT/MA??

    xoxo

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    1. Central CT to lexington, ma.

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  4. I hope the three of you take comfort in one another today. I know this is far from your ideal, but I hope you can find joy and purpose in this reality, someday. Remember that allowing yourself to grieve is okay—it's not ungrateful for the life you have, it's part of the process.

    It's beautiful here in CT today. I hope you have some time in the sun and it brings you peace.

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    1. Anne, it was a beautiful drive home this afternoon!

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  5. The truth is that if we don't get the final picture of whatever we saw our family as being (for you, it was 2 children, for me, it was 3), its always going to be an emptiness. I never went through infertility treatments, so I can't imagine what you're going through... but I've had 3 miscarriages -- one between my 2 boys, and 2 after the 2nd. But I remember like it was yesterday (tho it was more like 17 or 18 years ago) when I decided that while I was trying for #3, I wasn't being the mom my boys needed. And that was that. I hope things work out for you... but remember that your first priority is to be the best mom you can be for the daughter you already have. Hugs.

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  6. Oy! Been there, done that. Our last embryo transfer failed. Now we are out of embryos and money.

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    1. Thx so much yelena!! Hope you and family are well.

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  8. Lots of love and hugs! You are truly an inspiration to all those who read your posts..sharing your personal story brings an understanding to the struggles and a reality of fertility. You have a whole community of friends and supporters who are standing with you ready to give hugs and share prayers (and be big brothers and sisters to Little Miss I.)

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    1. Thx so much!! You have been a great support!!

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  9. I am so sorry. This is so unfair. There are no words to bring you peace, however I pray that time will help. I am so sorry. Hug that little girl a little tighter. She is lucky to have you. xoxoxo

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  10. Hey there,
    I stumbled upon your blog while I was checking out another infertility blog. I am so incredibly sorry for all that you are going through. You are incredibly strong, and quite brave for sharing your story with the world. I hope that you get some piece and comfort down the road. You have a sweet little girl, and a very supportive husband, who I am sure will help you get through this. all the best in everything, Risa.

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    1. Thanks so much, Rebecca. I really appreciate it.

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