Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Poor Form

To my great surprise and horror, I received a call this afternoon from my nurse at my fertility clinic asking me why I did not come for my pregnancy test this morning.

Yes...exactly.

I said, "don't you remember that my embryo did not survive the thaw?"

Oops...to her credit she was very apologetic, but that was simply poor form. My clinic was amazing and is one of the best in the country and people make mistakes...but this was a biggie!
I broke down a bit but was able to get through (my co-workers make me laugh!). Bad timing, I guess. While I am still tired and my body is a bit weird as it reacts to the hormones (or major decrease of hormones), I am certainly not as emotional as I was last week and am beginning to piece together this new reality. Again, bad timing.

Poor form.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Mourning

I am doing okay...it hits me at different parts of the day. My daughter helps a lot.  She will be the reason I will get through this.
For now I will allow myself to grieve.

Friday, October 18, 2013

The End of a Chapter

I made it to my parents house this morning in MA ready for this embryo transfer with all I have. A little while later I got a call...I thought it was the "the embryo thawed great and you are set for later today!" but it was not. It was "I'm so sorry but your embryo did not survive the thaw."

Silence.

I was speechless...I did not know what to say or do.

The nurse said my team would call me later today to discuss options. 

Then the tears came...I called my husband and his tears came. He said, "you are stuck with me and "I" (our daughter)!" I know how lucky I am but the pure sting is there.

I simply can't go through more fertility treatments: financially, emotionally and physically. I am 39 years old and would be worried about medical problems for the baby. We would have to start over with IVF and both my husband and I know we need to move on with our lives for our sake and for our daughter's. 

I felt a bit lost for a few minutes but then I rallied. My best friend to the rescue! She will hang with me for a bit this afternoon and cheer me up before I drive back home to CT. 

I am still in shock right now. I know with the coming weeks that getting off of all of the hormones will help my mind heal. I always wanted two kids...it was so important to have siblings. Now I need to create a new reality for my daughter. My job now is to give my daughter the best life possible.


Thursday, October 17, 2013

Change in Plans

The transfer was supposed to happen on Tuesday but things don't always happen as planned. This past Friday I had my last blood test and an ultrasound. The ultrasound was fabulous...the blood test, not so much. Apparently my estrogen was not high enough, so I had to increase it over the weekend and go back on Monday morning for a repeat blood test and ultrasound. While I held my breath all day waiting for my doc to call me I was wondering if this was a bad omen. I got the call with good news that everything is where it should be. So now I am readying myself emotionally for tomorrow's transfer. I am making soup right now and watching bad TV (I took off from work today, tomorrow and even Monday).
I am feeling zen-like and am very hopeful. I am a type-A personality person so when things don't go according to plan, it is difficult for me. I get over it though, luckily!
Onward...tomorrow will be a great day to get pregnant...I can feel it.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Sunshine Award

Kasey, from StupidBrokenEggs, nominated me for a Sunshine Award! How lovely! Here are the answers to her questions:
My 10 Questions-
 
1)You could choose any 1 person to spend a day with – dead or alive- who do you chose? What do you do? 
Well, hands down it would be Barbra Streisand. I love her! That is second, of course, to my hubby and daughter!
2)What is your most cherished memory? 
Probably sitting at the kitchen table at my Nana and Papa's house peeling and eating oranges with my Nana.
3)If you win the mega millions do you still work as well? 
Definitely, but maybe part-time.
4)Are you where you thought you would be 5 years ago? 
I never think that way: to wonder where I will be in the future so I just try to be happy in the present.
5)If you had a chance to redo one thing in your life without it effecting how anything else in your life turned out- would you?
Yes. I would have been more open with friends when I was going through a crazy adolescence.
6)Do you enjoy cooking for others more or having someone cook for you?
I do enjoy cooking but having someone else do it for me is always better!
7) Do you have a go to travel spot? Some place that you have or wished to visit more than once? 
I wish I could get back to Israel. I was there once in college and it is such an amazing place of history.
8) If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? 
Two answers: One home in New England, one in New York City and one in France...obviously I would need to win a large lottery first!
9)If you could redo school would you? Would you study something different or just study more? 
Probably study more...go for my Ph.D.
10)What or who makes you smile the most? 
My 3 1/2 year old daughter for sure!

Monday, October 7, 2013

Cranky, Tired and Hopeful

I am now at the point in this crazy process when I am very tired, cranky and yet I am hanging on to hope. Today started my highest dosing of estrogen which is just not a normal amount of a hormone for any human being (as many of you other infertiles can understand!). My transfer date is next Tuesday, the 15th and I am readying my body and soul for that day. But, I still need to get through the next 7 days which is made more difficult when everything and everyone is pissing you off! Luckily my patience with my 3 year old daughter has been good but my poor hubby certainly suffers. He knows from experience what the hormones do to me but sometimes I wish he could experience this for himself...how utterly horrible it feels. Not that I wish this on him, but it could bring more understanding. The bruises on my arms from my blood tests are nothing compared to what is going on inside of me. I do worry about the long-term effects of being on these high doses of estrogen all these times. I will need to ask my doctor about this...of course, I hope it is all worth it but if it means a bigger problem in the future, that is scary. I wonder if the doctors even know yet what the long-term effects are since the technology is rather new, especially for women who have been trying for years and years.

I will keep trying to keep my emotions in check and get through this week, even if it means eating more chocolate!