Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Boycott Facebook!

Yes, I am having the same problem many infertiles have...Facebook is not our friend. Facebook is where our friends post adorable pics of their kids. I admit, I do too. I will post pics of my 3 year old, but it is those baby pics that really get me right now. I have one friend who will post pics daily of her baby. Now I am not one to judge (oh, hell, of course I am!)--but everyday. That seems a bit much, don't you think? I mean, don't get me wrong, this baby is adorable, but find a hobby, go for a walk, do something not on Facebook please! When I see these baby pics all I think is, that is supposed to be me from my last three (failed) frozen embryo transfers! And yet, it is not me.
That's it! Why should I have to boycott Facebook? Why don't these women who are so damn lucky to have babies take a break from their daily postings? Why do we, the infertiles, need to constantly be the ones making changes and altering our lives? We do it to our bodies with pills, injections, suppositories, tests, etc. Why can't it be someone else for once? Don't we deserve a break?
and i force myself to like every status... and try not to covet

Friday, July 26, 2013

Good Results

So, just got the call from my fertility doc and my blood test results were all normal. Good news. Glad things are normal although I was hoping for a quick fix..."increase this med and you will get pregnant." This phone call came while I was getting my hair color done listening  to several women lament about how horrible pregnancy can be.
Fabulous timing!
Have a good weekend!

Infertility is REAL

Funny Cry for Help Ecard: 'You had one child, you aren't infertile. You don't need another. ' Secondary Infertility is real.
I think this sums up so much of what I am feeling right now. I worry that many people think this way.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Hope

My husband, daughter and I moved to where we now live 2 years ago. This move was due to my husband's job and I completely supported it. I love where we live: very friendly, family oriented. The one issue I have is that I have no support here. While I have made some friends, they are not like the friends I have where I lived in MA. I am left feeling alone at a time when I really shouldn't. This is a hard time. When I see pictures on Facebook of my local friends out for an evening, I feel alone and sad I was not invited. I know, get over it, right?! But this is hard and I love being around people and hanging out and laughing. I just haven't connected with enough people, I guess. My husband does not seem to have this issue: it's a guy thing I guess. He is happy with his few friends and me and our daughter. As a woman, I want more relationships in my life. Am I selfish? I don't know.
Sorry this is a bit gloomy, but this is where I am right now. Feeling a bit alone and cut off. I can't go to MA every weekend to see my close friends and have been trying to create the next chapter of my life where we are now. It just seems to be taking a little longer than I had hoped.
I am hopeful that things will turn around and more connections will be made. I am always hopeful.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Patience is not a Virtue...It is Impossible!

So, here we are a couple of weeks after our third failed FET and I am in a funk. I am angry, moody, sad and irritable. Sounds like fun, huh?? The hormone torture does not end when we stop taking the meds, the body needs weeks to recover and I am in that phase now. It simply sucks to be me right now.
I am still waiting for my blood test results from last week and may wait another couple of days. I am trying to focus on next month's SHG, as that is something active I can do and feel a part of this crazy process. That's the thing, when I am taking meds and doing tests, I feel empowered that I am an active participant in the process; when I am just waiting, well, that is the difficult part.
So, I will continue to wait, take some ativan when I need it and get through this phase of the process. I am exercising again and eating better than I have been and I know that will help, as well.
Maybe this last fight is over, but the battle continues and I am not done yet.

Friday, July 19, 2013

The Waiting Game

Well, I saw my fertility doc today and I am so thankful for him. I have seen him for the past 7 years and began with him due to uterine fibroids. He performed my first "big" surgery to remove the fibroids and I will never forget him holding my hand as they were putting me out.
I was calmed as I walked into his office today, as I usually am. We talked about this last FET (frozen embryo transfer) and my weird reaction to the progesterone injections (severe pains, difficulty walking, weird red splotches on my leg). He said we may never know why these last 3 FETs did not take. What we did today was some blood tests: thyroid (I am hypothyroid and on meds), blood sugar (past insulin resistance). We discussed the protocol for my next FET which will be estrogen and crinone. I will also have another sonohysterogram next month to make sure everything still looks good (I had one in October 2012 but my doc wants to be sure nothing has popped up since then).

This is a good plan...it's the only plan. I don't mind the tests as they give me something to focus on, something to do. It will help me get through until the next try. Even though I would love to know why this has not worked, I will have to settle for this. This is the hard part as I am someone who likes clear answers that are logical. I just have to "sit" with this for now.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Changed Plans

Sometimes our best made plans do not go as planned. I was supposed to see my fertility doc today to get answers but on my way I received a call from my daughter's school that she had thrown up. My husband has a very busy day at work today so I turned around and went to get my daughter. Luckily I was able to reschedule my appointment for tomorrow.
I am thankful that she is okay, just an allergic reaction to a new food this morning. She has egg and milk allergies and now I am guilty of poor label reading. I looked at the package of the soy sausage and it clearly states "egg whites." I feel horrible. You can't see it in this picture, but she has hives all over her. Great job, mom! It is difficult to parent a child with allergies and you are always on your guard. Apparently, I was not on my guard yesterday when I bought this food item.

So, this is all not about me, my fertility woes...it is about this wondrous child I already have who counts on me and needs me.

I am truly lucky.

Monday, July 15, 2013

Really?!?!?!

I received a call this morning from my fertility doctor's' office telling me he can't see me in the morning on Thursday but can see me in the afternoon. Now, I am driving an hour and a half to see him and had the day planned (took the day off from work) and now I have to change my plans. To some people this is not a big deal, but for me, I am counting down the hours until I see him to get some answers, so this is a BIG deal! I wish this would not annoy me but it does. It worked out and I will still see him on Thursday but now I have to decide if I am still taking off the full day or if I am working a half-day before my drive to the Boston area.
I must be crazy to be this annoyed, right?!?!
UGH! Is this 95 degree weather making anyone crazy??

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Being Human

Well I am feeling a bit better now that my hormone levels have gone back down from horrendously high to moderately normal. I am counting down the days until I see my fertility doctor on Thursday and hope we can figure out why this is not working. I wish this was not such a taboo topic and I could be more open about it to more people. I just feel cut off.
Lucky for me, my daughter told me I'm her "best friend" and that just makes everything better!
Hope everyone is having a great weekend! It is beyond tropical here in the northeast.

Friday, July 12, 2013

No Fun Fertility

Here I am, 4 days after a negative pregnancy test after my third frozen embryo transfer. They have all been negative and I am devastated. Luckily, my husband and I were blessed through IVF in 2010 with our beautiful daughter. This is a difficult time for me. I just turned 39 (Whoa, very old!) and want to have another baby desperately. My daughter is aching for a sibling which is seen in her pretend play and when she wants to play on the swings. We have one frozen embryo left and will try again in September after I see my fertility doctor again and figure out why this is not working. My husband and I can't seem to get pregnant on our own, although it is unexplained.
My life right now is putting on a happy face for my 3 year old (not that hard to do with her!) and then trying not to grimace when I walk by a pregnant woman at the grocery store. I also have to deal with women who are not too bright, some of them friends. They say things like, "my husband just looks at me and I become pregnant." Well, goodie for you. In this age of information everywhere, if you say that to the five women around you, chances are, one of them has fertility issues! Let's try to be a bit more sensitive, shall we?!
I will keep trucking along, as there is no other option. I love my husband and our daughter more than life itself. The issue is if I can't give my daughter a sibling, will she be okay...will I be okay?